Exhaustion

So the sharp of you might notice that I have not written at all in the past week (11 days, whatever). Mainly the reason has been that I have just been exhausted.  This last week I got very little sleep, and waking up early has still not entered into my mind as something that is normal.  So I have been not sleeping as well, or as much as I could have been.

This does not mean that I have not learned anything.  Hell, one of the things I learned is that Monster is my friend, but I have to be able to get one in order to use it.  Now, you would think I learned this a long time ago when I was drinking Monster every day, but no, I had to learn from when I was exhausted.

Now the question is, why am I doing this to myself?  Sure, I have to set my alarm for 6 (let's be honest, I don't get out of bed until 6:30) So maybe I should be smart enough to go to bed at a time when I would not get tired when I wake up.

The problem is that I am not a morning person.  It does not matter to me at all how much sleep I have, when I wake up I am groggy.  I wish that I could wake up and be ready to greet the day, but I am not.

Couple with the fact that I start to feel awake at 6 PM and don't get tired until about 11.  I am a night owl.  The only reason I even do get tired that early is because I am exhausted from being up at 6.

So how does a night owl become a morning person? So far the answer is that I can't.  So when I normally would be writing this blog, I instead am trying to sleep.  So I suppose what I should be doing is writing this when I get home from work.

Hey that is an idea.

Let's see how I do.

Dinosaurs

Ask any boy that is between the ages of 3-7 about dinosaurs and I bet that you will learn more about them than you ever thought you would know.  What is it about these creatures that makes us so fascinated?  Obviously to the little boys it is the fact that they are big, and mean, and will eat you if you cross them.  Of course in these fantasies the boys are sure that the dinosaurs would never hurt them.  They are friends after all.

The funny thing is, though, how often do you meet someone that is that into something?  How often do you meet someone that can talk your ear off about something that you know very little about?  More importantly, how often do you stop and listen to them?

My dad was always into history. He still is, and it is one of the things that he loves to learn more about.  The home that he was in, and I spent my teenage years in, had a wall of the main living room that was just one long series of bookcases.  Every sort of history book you could imagine was on there (as well as some classic sci-fi and other books).  I never appreciated those books until I started to get into history myself as a hobby.

My dad is also one of those that will talk your ear off about old military weapons and tanks and the like. I think he mostly got that from my grandfather, who would do the same.

I sometimes think back and wonder what I could have learned just sitting there talking to both of them for extended periods of time and listening to what they have to say.  I am sure that none of it would be practical, and I would never have a chance to use it, but it is still something that I wish I could go back and do.

I suppose that is why I decided to learn something new every day (FYI, in case you are curious.  I learned today exactly how mousse works. Shut up, I am a guy.  It is not something that we are taught.). I want to know more about how the world around me works.

However, when the world keeps you busy it is hard to learn something every day.  I find that given the chance, most of us would rather shut off our brains than try to learn.

But I digress.

And I am being told it is time to stop typing and go to bed.

So I guess I am shutting my brain off.

Feels good.

Video Games

I am going to try and be light today since the previous ones have been a bit sappy.

Today I was thinking about video games and how they stand up to the test of time.  What makes a game stand up to the test?  Is it simply nostalgia and really the games suck?  Is it that the games have an engaging mode where playing them over and over makes them fun?

For me, I think that it has to invoke all of those.  A good game that will make me want to play it again and again is a game that I don't have to remember the controls, because they are ingrained into my being.  Whether it be from me playing them so much, or because they are just easy to get.

But much like a good book or a good movie it has to draw you in somehow.  Some of my favorite games to go replay are the classic Megaman games.  Why?  Because they are a challenge and with patience and practice you can beat them.  It is not the story, its not the graphics, it is just that the games are fun to play, and rarely do you call bullshit.

There are other games that it is the story that draws me in.  Sure, the story might be minimal (after all, they did not have much space to work with) but what is there draws you in.

This is a major complaint that I have with a lot of games these days.  How is it that with terrible translation issues, and the simple fact that there was limited space, does a game like Final Fantasy 4 draw me in more than most modern games?

Simple, because they did not rely on being flashy.  They had a story to tell, and by god they were going to tell it.

It is sad that I can play the hell out of Baldur's gate, but when I get to Mass Effect 2, I played it twice.  I might play it again before ME3 comes out, but really it just does not stand up to the test of time.

Or maybe I am getting old.

Yeah, that is probably it.

Perspective

It is funny how perspective changes depending on where you are in your life.  If you had told me two years ago that I would be in a committed relationship I would have probably just scowled at you.  Mainly because I was still a bit jaded on the whole relationship thing.  

I know, that some of you have only seen me as I am right now. You see me as a person that is happy to see you, and generally in a good mood most of the time.  However, this is a complete 180 from where I was not too long ago.

I won't go into the details, because the people that knew me back then know what I went through to get that way.  The simple story is that I was married, she was a terrible wife (not to say I was a great husband or anything.  I am not afraid to admit that), who was emotionally distant.  Some have even said, though I loathe to use the word because of the connotations, that she was emotionally abusive.  Honestly, I think most of it came from her upbringing and the fact that she carried a mindset that was both stubborn, and in many ways ignorant.

The main issue was, though, that she jaded me to women.  She also made it hard to be a happy person after all was said and done.  Combine the fact that she cheated on, and then left me, about a month before my mom died of cancer... I was not in a good place.

Of course because of this, and because I wanted a change of jobs, I went in and out of jobs for a while.  It is not something I am proud of now, but for the longest time I was basically a boil on the ass of society.

I am not sure to this day what made me suddenly get better.  Perhaps it was working toward the goal of a degree, or perhaps it was because I was working in jobs that I liked, but I started to become a more likable person again. People even commented that I seemed happier.

Funny thing, though, I still did not think that I was ready when I decided to sign on to Match.  The original plan was to go on a few dates, get used to the idea of dating again, and then find someone to settle down with.

And wouldn't you know it, the world decided that what I had planned had nothing to do with it.  I met a great girl and we hit it off.  We were great for each other.  The funny thing is that when the first date ended, neither of us wanted it to.  We were so hooked we met up for lunch the next day. This lead to an interesting phone call when my friends called to see how the date went and I had to tell them I would call back later, since we were at lunch.  

So there I was.  New perspective even though I had just had one that was contrary to this one.  It took me reflecting on it to even realize how quickly that perspective changed. 

And to be honest.

I would have it no other way.

Bachelorhood

So the weekend was a hectic one.  The reason that I have not updated the past two days was because I was busy with actually moving the rest of my stuff to my new house.  Luckily everything is here and it went better than I thought.

So, yeah, I am finally here and no longer a "Bachelor" as it were.  I suppose that this was a long time coming, though, and I am not too sad about it.  Honestly it had been one of those things that I looked inward and knew that I wanted to be out of.

Honestly, when I stop to think about it, being a bachelor sort of sucks.  Your place is always dirty because you don't care about keeping it clean, you don't really tend to have much food in the fridge, and where did all of your money go?  Oh, it went to buying food that you would eat that day.  Most of the time from a restaurant or fast food.

So yeah, Bachelorhood?  Not going to miss it very much.  Bring on having to put my socks in a hamper, and take the trash out when it is almost full, not when it is overflowing.

I think that I can handle it.

Plus, it is awesome to have someone to cuddle with every night.

Yeah, I said it.

Motivation

I was thinking a bit today about motivation.  I always liked one of the original demotivation pictures that was out there on the internet.  It was a simple message.  It said "Motivation: If a silly picture and inspiring phrase is all it takes to motivate you, your job will one day be done by robots."

Why did that one stick with me so much?  Simple, because it underlays the fact that everyone has their own reason for motivation.  For some it is because they want to get money, or simply not fail.  Some do it out of love for their fellow man.

Personally, I do it because I want to be able to run a household someday.  Does that mean children?  Maybe, but a house is more than just a family.  The fact is, though, I want to be able to support myself and my significant other without her having to work.  If she chooses to do so that would be great, because that money would just mean that we have extra money for vacations, or fun stuff around the house.  The point is, though, I want to make enough so that she does not have to.

So what does that mean?  That means I need to be in a position where the growth of my job is sufficient that I will be able to do so without issues.

Luckily, I think I am in that position right now, even if it will take a few years to build up the position.  So my motivation involves making sure that I can do everything to make the company that I work for grow, so that my position continues to grow, so that I can be in that situation.

Right now, though, I have a different motivation, which is why this one is going to be short.

That motivation?

I am tired.

And bed looks good.

Speed

When was the last time that you stopped to just admire something?  I imagine if you are anything like me it has been a while.  Sure, you watch a TV show or movie and you take that time to enjoy it, but look at what that is all about.  They cram an entire set of information into twenty minutes, or forty five, or an hour and a half.  Have you ever stopped to notice how fast they are winging information at you in order to catch you up to what is going on?  Even if they do it subtly they need to teach you that Man X is an overworked business owner that can't seem to catch a break.  Man Y is his wacky buddy that is always there for him, etc etc.  

And they get away with it because we just sit back and let them throw stuff at us quickly.  However, we are not taking a moment to step back from life during this time, are we?

Now I am not saying I am not guilty of this, see above with me admitting it has been a long while.  The point is, though, when did we let ourselves do this?  It has gotten to the point that this has been a new genre of movie. Holywood is cashing in on the fact that we are not satisfied with letting life pass us by.  But what do we do about it?

For the most part, nothing.  At least until our minds are close to popping. 

I have honestly gotten to the point most nights that I can't even sleep without pausing to collect my thoughts and lay them out in a row.  I have to purposefully slow my world down and then I can sleep.

But why did we get this way?  Well, I can't say for you, but I think I know why I do it.

Because I want to get past the boring stuff and get to the fun stuff.

Think about it.  How often do you rush something at work just to get it done the bare minimum so that you can take a break and not have to do any work for a while.  Especially if your boss thinks that it will take you longer to accomplish that goal.

My problem is that I tend to rush through the work and then move on to the next bit of work.  This can sometimes lead to some mistakes, or lead to things that need to be fixed later. I have finally gotten to the point where I can admit that about myself. Of course this does not help when I don't change what I am doing to slow down and do it right.

To me, speed is a means to an end, but when I have the time, I need to learn to slow down and take it.  Some of you know that I am an accountant.  This is not a job that can have mistakes in it, and I try my best to make sure that I have none.  However, when speeding through something I can make mistakes.

You want to know the sick part though?  I like accounting.  It is fun to me.  Data entry is not a chore to me, it is somehow fun.  I am sick, I know.

So why do I speed through it?  Simple, I want to look like a miracle worker.  Boss thinks something will take all day, I do it in half to just seem that much better.

The lesson I have learned, and keep learning, is that maybe I should slow down, make sure that things are done right.  Then I can take two thirds of the day, still seem like an awesome accountant... and have everything be perfect.

A lesson that we should teach our children.

And I took 29 years to learn it.